Archives for the month of: April, 2010

I have been having many restless nights. My focus has shifted, I’m permanently preoccupied to the point where I feel like I’m just not giving those around me sufficient of myself … keeping myself closed off. I may appear disinterested and faraway, but I’m dwelling in one place at the moment.

The place where I am trying to remember what your voice sounds like. The place where I am trying to remember your smile, your laughter, your touch. The place of safety that you always were to me. The place of peace, quiet and rest. The place where we fulfilled our needs within each other. The place where we could be ourselves without judgement. The place of strength we were as partners in everything, spouses, lovers, best friends.

I’m tired from remembering and hurting and feeling lost and adrift.

What comfort not to suffocate. 

Not to love. 
Not to hurt, to want, to grieve. As if grief is not only my right, my prerogative, my due, but my comeuppance. I caress the grief as I once caressed him; as long as it’s here, he is here; as long as I’m pretending to live, I can be near him. I’ve paused over it, one, two, three years nearly, going on the fourth cartwheel of despair, I’m bereaved, let me alone, and let me gaze at the grief with my passion and my ardor. 
We thought I was strong. We thought I could make it. We thought I could live through it all. 
But we were wrong. 
I just can’t seem to live through you. 
Though I want to. I want to so much.

– Tatiana & Alexander

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand 
and chaining a soul 
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning 
and company doesn’t mean security, 
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts 
and presents aren’t promises, 
And you begin to accept your defeats with your 
head up and your eyes open, 
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, 
And you learn to build all your roads on today 
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans. 
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns 
if you get too much. 
So plant your garden and decorate your own soul, 
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 
And you learn that you really are strong, 
And you really do have worth.